Friday, April 05, 2019
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Monday, March 04, 2019
Like The Morlocks, But With More Twang
When whatever beings rise from our civilization's ashes wonder what we did to deserve an extinction level event, they need to look no further than this.
Saturday, February 23, 2019
...He Grudgingly Stopped For Me
“Fuck it. I'm done,” It said. “I'm so tired of this. You wanna see humanity at it's worse, huh? Take a look at ‘em when they're dying. It's just a bunch of snotty blubbering and ugly crying.
“And the begging. Always with the begging. ‘Wah, I don't wanna die, wah!’ Look, I'm sorry bro, but your guts are on the floor. Like, they are right there on the floor, and I am literally standing in them. What exactly do you expect me to do at this point? Dammit man, I'm Death not a doctor. It's gross, it's sad, and I just don't wanna deal with it anymore.
“OK sure, most deaths aren’t like that, but even the ones that go in their sleep are a damn handful. I mean, they're always so confused- wondering who I am and how I got into their room and stuff,” It gives the long bone-handled scythe a shake. “You'd think this would be a dead giveaway, right?.”
It heaves a long sad sigh and the grass around It browns and shrivels into a fine dust.
“’Dead giveaway.’ Shit like that used to be funny, you know? But now? Christ,” The hooded head shakes in disgust.
“You mind if I bum a smoke? Not like you’ll need ‘em anymore…. Thanks”
The light of the cherry is blunted and absorbed by Its mere presence, though a thin stream of smoke manages to escape the event horizon of Its hood.
“God, I'm glad you didn't vape,” It says flicking off some ash.
A moment passes as It stares off into the distance.
“Sorry I got all bitchy back there, “ It suddenly says. “You didn't need that. I’m guessing you're already having a rough enough day. It's just... I'm so bored. My work/life balance sucks so hard, ya know? I haven't had a day off in God only knows how long. And a vacation?”
It lets out a dry heaving laugh.
“Shit, that's the type of thing I only get to read about. Sure, I get to see the world I suppose, but it's not like anyone's exactly thrilled to see me. Like, have you ever gone to a party that you weren't invited to? Remember that awkward bit of silence when the door swings open and everyone sees your unwanted ass just standing there holding a 12-pack of piss beer? Yeah well, that's the welcome I get 24/7. I’m all like ’Shit bro, I didn't even want to be here, but you're the asshole who decided to send dick pics while doing 85 down the Interstate, and well, now here I am. Thanks for that. Trust me, I'm way more annoyed about it than you are.’ They never get it though. It's always with the sobbing and the wailing and that goddamn begging. They always, always, always have to make it about them. Never even crosses their minds that maybe, just maybe, I have other things I'd like to be doing. Shit don't revolve around you, ya know? “
It drops the cigarette and crushes the butt with a lethargic twist of Its heel
“Look, I know you're not my therapist or anything, but thanks for the smoke and thanks for listening. Seriously, it helped a lot. Though I suppose now we best get ya goin’. You're not getting any younger, after all”
The hood bitterly shakes one more time.
“‘Not getting any younger.’ That shit used to be funny….”
“And the begging. Always with the begging. ‘Wah, I don't wanna die, wah!’ Look, I'm sorry bro, but your guts are on the floor. Like, they are right there on the floor, and I am literally standing in them. What exactly do you expect me to do at this point? Dammit man, I'm Death not a doctor. It's gross, it's sad, and I just don't wanna deal with it anymore.
“OK sure, most deaths aren’t like that, but even the ones that go in their sleep are a damn handful. I mean, they're always so confused- wondering who I am and how I got into their room and stuff,” It gives the long bone-handled scythe a shake. “You'd think this would be a dead giveaway, right?.”
It heaves a long sad sigh and the grass around It browns and shrivels into a fine dust.
“’Dead giveaway.’ Shit like that used to be funny, you know? But now? Christ,” The hooded head shakes in disgust.
“You mind if I bum a smoke? Not like you’ll need ‘em anymore…. Thanks”
The light of the cherry is blunted and absorbed by Its mere presence, though a thin stream of smoke manages to escape the event horizon of Its hood.
“God, I'm glad you didn't vape,” It says flicking off some ash.
A moment passes as It stares off into the distance.
“Sorry I got all bitchy back there, “ It suddenly says. “You didn't need that. I’m guessing you're already having a rough enough day. It's just... I'm so bored. My work/life balance sucks so hard, ya know? I haven't had a day off in God only knows how long. And a vacation?”
It lets out a dry heaving laugh.
“Shit, that's the type of thing I only get to read about. Sure, I get to see the world I suppose, but it's not like anyone's exactly thrilled to see me. Like, have you ever gone to a party that you weren't invited to? Remember that awkward bit of silence when the door swings open and everyone sees your unwanted ass just standing there holding a 12-pack of piss beer? Yeah well, that's the welcome I get 24/7. I’m all like ’Shit bro, I didn't even want to be here, but you're the asshole who decided to send dick pics while doing 85 down the Interstate, and well, now here I am. Thanks for that. Trust me, I'm way more annoyed about it than you are.’ They never get it though. It's always with the sobbing and the wailing and that goddamn begging. They always, always, always have to make it about them. Never even crosses their minds that maybe, just maybe, I have other things I'd like to be doing. Shit don't revolve around you, ya know? “
It drops the cigarette and crushes the butt with a lethargic twist of Its heel
“Look, I know you're not my therapist or anything, but thanks for the smoke and thanks for listening. Seriously, it helped a lot. Though I suppose now we best get ya goin’. You're not getting any younger, after all”
“‘Not getting any younger.’ That shit used to be funny….”
Thursday, February 21, 2019
February
So, earlier this month I put together a playlist of some of my favorite romantic songs1, but sadly I was struck down by an epic level migraine before I got a chance to post it.
February, though, is nearly over and I really wanted this playlist to see the dim light of my blog. So, allow me hold up my boombox up over my head and play you2 the mixtape of my heart.
1- My legal team wouldn't let me refer to them "wooing songs".
2- You know who you are. *nudge nudge wink wink*
February, though, is nearly over and I really wanted this playlist to see the dim light of my blog. So, allow me hold up my boombox up over my head and play you2 the mixtape of my heart.
1- My legal team wouldn't let me refer to them "wooing songs".
2- You know who you are. *nudge nudge wink wink*
Monday, February 18, 2019
Friday, February 15, 2019
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Monday, February 11, 2019
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Saturday, February 09, 2019
Thursday, February 07, 2019
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