Today's Tombstone

The Nod

Years ago, after Sand died, when the night sky was clear I'd make a point of taking a moment to talk to him. Just an occasional brief snippet as I'd walk to my car- maybe something a a bit longer on the rare nights I would go camping. When Sims passed a few years later I added him to the ongoing conversation.

Usually these short dialogues would just be me hurtling the agony I felt at their loss towards the sky, struggling to force some kind of connection from across that starlit ether. After a while the frequency of these talks grew more sporadic- sometimes it'd just be couple of times a month, then other weeks it'd happen every other day- but they've never stopped. Honestly, I hope they never do.

 Over the last few weeks though, I've noticed that the tenor of these little exchanges had subtly begun to change- instead of a wistful sadness, I'd just throw Sims "the nod" (he'd know what I mean), or a bright star would catch my eye and I'd find myself smiling and telling Sand to stay frosty. After a particularly rough day, I trudged towards my door and started grumbling that they had better be playing a damn good game of D&D right now, and just the thought of that made me feel happier. It's taken a long time, but I've finally found myself being drawn towards my love of them rather than just wallowing in the loss.

I miss them.
I love them.
I really wish I could talk to them.

 But, by god, they had better be playing a damn good game of D&D right now.

Today's Tombstone

To The Shock Of No One

Erasure poetry ended up being much more difficult that I thought it would be. I added a pretty wretched one to the Jar, but I'll keep trying to improve.

Erase

I've just discovered erasure poetry.


I may have to rethink some things.....

Golden Ratio

Is there communication ratio for friendship? Is one conversation enough? Two? 30? When does that tipping point get reached?

How about texting? If you reach out to someone nearly once a week for a year, but they only reach out to you 20 times, what is that? Are you both friends? Are you their friend, but are they you're acquaintance? Is friendship in that case just a willowy illusion where one person sees something different than the other?

Of course context matters. If that single conversation is deep and meaningful- if it touches both people immensely, wouldn't that be worth decades of perfunctory conversations?  If one person puts more effort into the relationship than the other- what is it that they have exactly? Not friendship, certainly.

Maybe?

I don't know.

I just know that I've met people in my life for the briefest of moments and I've walked way from them feeling more familiarity with them than with people that I've known for years.

I also know that I should have been to bed an hour ago and my brain is struggling to make sense of simple language let alone the complex and often contradictory emotions comprising the Gordian Knot that is interpersonal connections.

2020

This is a (hopefully) rare cross-post from Facebook. It probably should have gone here instead anyway.

---
In general, I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions, but with start of a new decade I figured it was a good time to do a bit of self-reflection and start to recover from the emotional shit-show the Tens were for me.

While I haven't set any specific goals (yet), I'm back at the gym again and I spent a good chunk of time on my last day of vacation yesterday setting up a calendar to set aside some time to learn Python or to write- something to prevent me from just sitting around playing video games all evening long.

Well, today was the first day of the of my new itinerary and unexpected circumstances prevented me from doing a single thing on it.

And yet, it ended up being surprisingly productive on the emotional health front so I suppose it really wasn't such a bad way to start off the decade.
---

I want this gif tattooed on my chest

Ash just watched Twin Peaks

Geez, Ash. Spoilers.

Today's Tombstone

March's playlist is the inevitable conclusion to February's. YMMV, of course.

To be honest, I really hope it does.

Today's Tombstone

Like The Morlocks, But With More Twang

When whatever beings rise from our civilization's ashes wonder what we did to deserve an extinction level event, they need to look no further than this. 

...He Grudgingly Stopped For Me

“Fuck it. I'm done,” It said. “I'm so tired of this. You wanna see humanity at it's worse, huh? Take a look at ‘em when they're dying. It's just a bunch of snotty blubbering and ugly crying.

“And the begging. Always with the begging. ‘Wah, I don't wanna die, wah!’ Look, I'm sorry bro, but your guts are on the floor. Like, they are right there on the floor, and I am literally standing in them. What exactly do you expect me to do at this point? Dammit man, I'm Death not a doctor. It's gross, it's sad, and I just don't wanna deal with it anymore.

“OK sure, most deaths aren’t like that, but even the ones that go in their sleep are a damn handful. I mean, they're always so confused- wondering who I am and how I got into their room and stuff,” It gives the long bone-handled scythe a shake. “You'd think this would be a dead giveaway, right?.”

It heaves a long sad sigh and the grass around It browns and shrivels into a fine dust.

“’Dead giveaway.’ Shit like that used to be funny, you know? But now? Christ,” The hooded head shakes in disgust.

“You mind if I bum a smoke? Not like you’ll need ‘em anymore…. Thanks”

The light of the cherry is blunted and absorbed by Its mere presence, though a thin stream of smoke manages to escape the event horizon of Its hood.

“God, I'm glad you didn't vape,” It says flicking off some ash.

A moment passes as It stares off into the distance.

“Sorry I got all bitchy back there, “ It suddenly says. “You didn't need that. I’m guessing you're already having a rough enough day. It's just... I'm so bored. My work/life balance sucks so hard, ya know? I haven't had a day off in God only knows how long. And a vacation?”

It lets out a dry heaving laugh.

“Shit, that's the type of thing I only get to read about. Sure, I get to see the world I suppose, but it's not like anyone's exactly thrilled to see me. Like, have you ever gone to a party that you weren't invited to? Remember that awkward bit of silence when the door swings open and everyone sees your unwanted ass just standing there holding a 12-pack of piss beer? Yeah well, that's the welcome I get 24/7. I’m all like ’Shit bro, I didn't even want to be here, but you're the asshole who decided to send dick pics while doing 85 down the Interstate, and well, now here I am. Thanks for that. Trust me, I'm way more annoyed about it than you are.’ They never get it though. It's always with the sobbing and the wailing and that goddamn begging. They always, always, always have to make it about them. Never even crosses their minds that maybe, just maybe, I have other things I'd like to be doing. Shit don't revolve around you, ya know? “

It drops the cigarette and crushes the butt with a lethargic twist of Its heel

“Look, I know you're not my therapist or anything, but thanks for the smoke and thanks for listening. Seriously, it helped a lot. Though I suppose now we best get ya goin’. You're not getting any younger, after all”

The hood bitterly shakes one more time.

“‘Not getting any younger.’ That shit used to be funny….”